


Excalibur Ruins Everything

by Manaya_Karyam



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Soul Eater
Genre: Flash Fiction, Gen, Vignettes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-26
Updated: 2016-06-26
Packaged: 2018-07-18 10:04:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7310587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Manaya_Karyam/pseuds/Manaya_Karyam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Excalibur ruins everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Excalibur Ruins Everything

**Author's Note:**

> This won't be only Harry Potter. I plan for him to ruin other things later.

"Oh, Harry, what happened?"

He'd arrived in the Great Hall looking pale and shaken, with Ron and Hermione hardly better. Concerned housemates crowded around along the table.

"It was the Dementors on the train, of course," one girl said with annoyance. "They spooked all of us. And I think it's understandable that The Boy Who Lived, of all people, should have a stronger reaction -"

"It wasn't the Dementors," croaked Harry.

All chatter around him vanished.

"They were scary, yeah," he said ruefully, "but... we had the new Defense professor in our compartment, you see. He got rid of them pretty quickly."

"Then... then what went wrong?"

"Well," Harry took a ragged breath, "then we had to contend with the Defense professor."

 _Clink clink_ , went Dumbledore's spoon on a glass.

"Attention, all," he called out, eyes twinkling. "To our new students, welcome. To our old students, welcome back. Before we can dig in the the feast ahead, I have some ann-"

They weren't sure why he'd stopped, at first, but then the small sound - which they'd discounted as someone's innocuous cough - was repeated.

_Hem hem._

The students looked round. It took one more _hem hem_ to pinpoint the sound as coming from a vacant space beside Hagrid at the head table. The empty place was set with tableware.

"You suppose the new Defense professor's invisible?" somebody at the Gryffindor table whispered.

"Professor Excalibur," Dumbledore proceeded gamely, "you had something urgent to say?"

There was silence. It was maddeningly hard to see against the white background, at this distance, but several mystified students could have sworn an odd shape slowly rose behind the table, looked about, then sank back down.

"...Very well then," Dumbledore continued. "As I was saying, I am obliged to announce some changes in staff beginning this year. The position of Defense Against the Dark Arts professor -"

Harry jumped in his seat as a painful crashing sound rang out directly to his left. Professor Excalibur was suddenly striding down the Gryffindor table, knocking plates and silverware to the floor with his paws and cane in seeming carelessness. Harry, along with those who'd been in his compartment, leaned away, making a face, as most of the others leaned forward in fascination.

"Wrong!" Excalibur called out (perhaps even he wouldn't go so far as to call Dumbledore a 'fool'). "My class," he was declaiming, "will not be so limited in scope as that. No! It will be a fully comprehensive magical study!"

Everybody was still a bit too confused to become offended or worried.

"The full breadth of thaumaturgy you will learn - from me, Excalibur!" He reached the end of the table and casually swiped a few more dishes with his cane. "The noble arts of Dowsing. Pagan Dances. Tarot Cards. Weapon Meistering. Cackling. And... Transfiguration!"

McGonagall's nostrils flared.

Excalibur took a flying leap from the end of the table, then announced - pausing in midair to speak - "Furthermore, I declare... that your first lesson will begin forthwith!"

Dumbledore seemed strangely reluctant to curb the new professor's presumptions. He raised a genial eyebrow as Excalibur landed on the Ravenclaw table and engaged in a heavily gesticulated 'lesson', his voice booming through the quiet Hall - until a dagger-staring Snape pounded his foot on the floor and caused the full spreads of food to spring into being, up from the kitchens. Excalibur didn't falter, but the chatter incited by the feast drowned out his antics for most of the room.

"This is mad..." breathed Ron. "I know Lockhart was _mad,_ but this..."

"What does Dumbledore think he's doing?" said Hermione sternly.

"Reckon he's gotten desperate for a new teacher," Harry said glumly, between long sips of pumpkin juice that helped restore color to his complexion.

"Can't blame him for that," Ron commented. "You killed the one two years ago."

"And you gave the last one brain damage," Harry returned.

"Hey, now..."

There was a pause.

"I just had a feeling we might get a good one this time," Ron sighed.

"FOOL!" boomed a deep voice from across the room... probably in response to something else.

* * *

 

"FOOL!"

"I am _not_ a fool!" shrieked Cho, boiling red with frustration and staring down the barrel of a white cane.

"It is only the wise man who knows how foolish he is," said Excalibur sagely.

"I am no man," Cho ground out, slowly bending a steel fork in her fist.

"Fool!" ( _"You're_ the f-") "When the pupil is ready, the master will appear!"

"I hope one does, because you're not making any sense!"

Excalibur froze and went suddenly serious, taking everyone aback. Cho grabbed her chance.

"You've taken us on at least four tangents - from 'do this with your wand', to some kind of theory, to 'here is the illustrious history', to... self-insert fiction??? Demanding we follow along the whole time and berating us nonsensically; I'm all but certain you made up everything you've said about magic, not that you're describing a system with any coherent logic, not to mention that _in no way are we in class right now!"_

Excalibur looked at her, emanating silence. She caught her breath.

"This reminds me," said Excalibur, "of when I was the resident magic drill sergeant of Brakebills South. I had been relegated there, you see, after a tragic -"

In a series of short, jerky motions, Cho stood up, seized Excalibur around the waist, and threw him like a shot put in the general direction of 'away'. He sailed.

"Wow," said Su. "You just chucked a professor."

"I chucked a little... white... obnoxious... thing!"

" _Professor_ Little-White-Obnoxious-Thing."

* * *

 

Excalibur landed in on infuriatingly graceful toepoint on the Slytherin table. "So as I was saying -" he began.

"You weren't saying anything!"


End file.
